Get all 7 Mallard the Wonderdog releases available on Bandcamp and save 40%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Do Dentists Dream of Electric Teeth?, Cookery Tips for the Apocalypse, Gills, Happy Endings, Miserable Fuck, The Tragic Tale of Tito, and Pops His Clogs.
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Caught it on the morning news/nasty virus on the loose/high chance that it could be caught/on the public transport/and normally I might not care/but work is miles over there/and as the car's in for repair/I'm sitting on a sticky chair/now I'm seeing germs most everywhere/on dirty hands
in greasy hair/Is everyone else unaware/a murderer is in the air?/A man gets on at snails pace/he sits beside me I make space/he rubs a hanky bout the place/and proceeds to cough in my face
Sat at home on normal pay/box set of The Wire to play/food increasingly gourmet/but it don't feel like a holiday/All the kids are home to stay/white wine spritzer sun cream spray/sipping on my chardonnay/but it don't feel like a holiday today
It's evident its obvious/I don't intend to cause a fuss/but this old bugger on the bus/could surely be the death of us/and if we must get technical/this bespectacled testicle/could splutter and infect us all/and make a mucky mesticle/Anxiety takes hold of me/I leave the bus three stops early/then nip into a Maccy D's/to wash my hands and face and knees/but on the way out of the store/I see a child of three or four/who sneezes snot upon the door/don't want to be here anymore
The sky is blue no signs of grey/there's me and you and we're OK/we're not at work we're both at play/but it don't feel like a holiday/All commitments kept at bay/could be Turin or LA/so why are we in disarray?/It don't feel like a holiday/I'm baking brioche throwing clay/my wife is learning to crochet/my family are miles away/but it don't feel like a holiday/when walking at a sandy bay/2 meter rule sign on display/it's sounding like an old cliche/but it don't feel like a holiday today
Each pedestrian starts to stray/a tad too close I can't give way/I don't want my lungs to decay/it don't feel like a holiday/Not in the mood for street foreplay/I try pedestrian ballet/now I look nuts and have to say/it don't feel like a holiday/News reports say Covid may/get in your lungs and turn them grey/online shopping slight delay/it don't feel like a holiday/The nurse checks out your lingerie/the ventilator heads your way/you've never been the type to pray/but it don't feel like a holiday today.
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2. |
Furlow
03:40
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I am the very model of a novel deadly virus/I've killed more than Rudolf Hess and get more press than Miley Cyrus/The symptoms I can bring on can be quite far from desirous/I will climb inside your iris and turn your skin to papyrus
Come on, let's get it done
I've laid my prints on animal on vegetable and mineral/I've had a go on Hanks and thanks for dirty hands continual/The massed and unwashed ranks who lean towards the Covid-cynical/Quick blast of piss on mucky fist with soap and water minimal
Come on, let's get it done
I've sniffed the Queen of England watched her eat swans she was regal/I treat each class of people to an equal dose of lethal/I'll turn your brain to mush and grain and here's the proposed sequel/When I've filled your lungs with glass I’ll turn your blood to treacle
Come on, let's get it done
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3. |
I Saw
03:40
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The thing about the lock down Is there's nothing much to do/you'd better get a hobby If you want to see it through/Like every other tosser I've learned how to make a cake/I've learned how to make a loaf/I have taught myself to bake/Since I took to baking I left my face to prove/now it's grown to twice its size my arse stuck in a groove/There's no excuse for my alarming girth around my middle parts/I only got up yesterday
because I had to shart
Got a breezer in the freezer/Got some butter in the fridge/Maybe I could take a sample/just a cheeky little smidge/Take it away/I saw
I'm trying to regain a little self respect/but my t-shirts do not fit me/and my waistbands are all wrecked/I was as shocked as anyone the last time that I checked/my head is slowly being eaten by my massive neck/
You know it's time to fix it when you're too fat for your shoes/but custard creams and biscuits are confirmed cures for the blues/I will eat when I feel sad/then I'll feel sad because I ate/it's the ideal way to make sure you never lose the weight
I've a choice of boutique cheeses if i pleases I can choose/Stilton by the full ton there's no way that you can lose/Take it away/I saw/I've got a pork pie and a rib eye/got some cheese sauce for the steak/some chocolate for emergencies and 47 cakes/Take them away/I saw
If I don't die of Covid I'm going to die of cheese/My blood is blue veined arteries prepared for heart disease/Why have baked potato when you can have dauphinois?/At the rate I'm going I will have to wear a bra
I've got a pasty that will last me whilst the pasta's on the boil/A jar of something nasty floating round in olive oil/ take it away/I saw/Got some corned beef in my toastie/Got some roasties on the heat/Some monster munch for afters and some truffles for a treat/take it away/ I'm an eye sore.
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4. |
Grunter
03:55
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They can't cut the crap they've all caught the clap/they're out every Thursday but nurse pay is capped
Three word slogans get Covid done
To be perfectly blunt we're receiving the brunt of publicity stunts by a festering cunt/The pm took a punt on a bald bony grunt who the press won't confront he's a Jeremy Hunt
Please be alert if your lungs hurt
We should get them their coats/we should slice up their throats/we should lend them our votes
If you haven't the morals and the moneys spent you can lie lie lie and then pretend to repent/if you pretend to repent and find there's precedent then you can fib fib fib and it wont make a dent
It's incredibly neat how the trick is complete pow!/the wealthy effete now somehow not elite wow!
Blonde hair smug smirk rich twat posh berk
Now if you are sweet on the blonde teat from Eton/I'll simply repeat son he thinks you're complete scum/Come on get Brexeet done hang on are we reet plums/perhaps let's not sheet on the pillows we sleep on
Eugenicist/hits wife/when pissed
They have played a long con/servatives prey upon/you will not cotton on
Its the little white lie it's the little white lie it's the little white lie that let your Grandpa die/It's the little white lie it's the little white lie it's the little white lie wave your gran goodbye/It's the algor algorithm it's the algor algorithm it's the algor algorithm that can never be forgiven/He's the
human face of inhuman waste he's a waste of space a disgrace to his race
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5. |
The Walk
02:42
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Good to go at ten past ten/Let's go on the walk again/You know where you know when/Let's go on the walk again/Give wide berth to random men/Let's go on the walk again/Will we ever see our friends?/Let's go on the walk again
Hold me now
I love you so much I'm so glad that you've found me/The world that I know's falling down all around me/There's not much we can do to make this get better/When this is over we'll all get together
Spot the crow, sparrow and wren/Let's go on the walk again/Hard to see where it will end/Let's go on the walk again/O'er the hill across the glen/
Let's go on the walk again/Slowly going round the bend/Let's go on the walk again.
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6. |
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Wear a mask wash your hands It's not that hard to understand Are you an idiot? You certainly seem to be a massive fucking idiot
I remember when going to see a film was not a frightening proposition/there was rarely opposition to a cinematic mission/Impossible to envision chains regaining their position/As the
Covid grows unbidden an unwinnable collision
I Remember last December before Johnson started gurning/When Contagion was a movie not a thing to find concerning/Now we're shitting bricks but Netflix picks it up for streaming earnings/It was all there for the learning get the Covid corpses burning
I Remember when we looked askance at China who were tryna put the paste back in the tube/The virus took them up the arse without the benefit of lube/An attitude that it would not succeed in England made us rubes/We carried on watching the news not washing hands and scratching pubes
We looked on bitterly as Italy was hammered by the 'vid/We took to Twitter free to liberally call them out when they did/not lock down soon enough to sell more stuff to tourists and to kids/Gap year in Roma caught the 'rona can't go homa God forbid
If your house is made of glass put down the stones/Before judging other countries you should fix your own/If you want to be alive in 2021 go home/to wash your hands and stay indoors until its safe again to roam
We're being governed by the cretinous who only help themselves/They're more concerned with filthy lucre than the nation's mental health/They say protect the NHS but then they privatise by stealth/They'd have you strung up by your bollocks if you
questioned all their wealth
You're well on your way to an idiot certificate
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7. |
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In the face of disaster the chef comes to ask ya to learn how to master a fresh plate of pasta/grate Parmesan faster on pollo ad astra/your repertoire vaster than this time back last year
Leathery features cooking the creatures/kids without teachers sucking like leeches/A nobhead who teaches the best prep for peaches/the far flung reaches of the cynic who preaches
If you find yourself in a scare of health And you're wondering how this could add to your wealth/Get some half-arsed recipes off the shelf/Get your wife to film you make a twat of yourself/If you've spent you're life accruing capital/And a virus rocks up to crap on it all/Get your fizzog
on the telly if you have the gall/Make some chicken vermicelli on a conference call
Is he taking the pips with his cookery tips for the apocalypse snippin' chicken in strips/Becoming equipped with a pancake flip is no help when you're tipped to wind up in a crypt/Now a tie in book would be obvious as fuck but the kudos accumulated pays the big bucks/Let's
all appreciate the bravery it took/Living in a mansion and having to cook
Leftover saffron the working man's curse/Duck vol au vonts that are light on the purse/Venison sausage could be worse/There goes your neighbour in a knackered out hearse
He's as out of touch as he's out to lunch/Seems a bit much knocking up brunch/Smashed avocado with a breadcrumb crunch/There's a fudding pandemic on you funting cunch
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8. |
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Give the gear a shift n get the grifting goin’/How can we improve the moves on slowcoach Joan/The lights are on but like Yvonne there’s no one home/A gleam from the machine, a shining slab of chrome
Staff can moan and mutter as they clutter round/Spaffing blood that splutters to the guttered ground/I’m not splashing money round making machinery sound/I’m laughing cuz the mechanism cost ten pound
Ten espressos downed from the flask/Gluing the string and doing the tasks/It's a pretty tall order and a fucking big ask/It’s a memorable year for the makers of masks/Sanitiser by the cask/What did you do during Covid grandson asks/In the glory we shall bask/We
manufactured a lot of masks
Crossing over borders to get orders met/Speeding does afford us to do four more yet/How many pounds and pennies can a company get/Polyester cotton we’ve a lot on pet
Bloody hell the stock we sell is some surprise/Once bodies fell our clientele increased in size/Our staff excelled and then they swelled like pill-head eyes/It’s just as well our personnel aren't unionised
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9. |
Yr Health
04:45
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When there's no work to go to and no need to think/No one coming over why not have a drink?/Have a drink with your lunch and another with tea/Have a drink when you're bored and drink excessively
If you think it's correct to get totally wrecked/Have some self respect what did you expect?/If you think it's OK to be drunk every day/What can I say? You're lost anyway
When it soon becomes clear that things aren't going to change/Why not take several sips and scramble your brain/Carry on as before we'll learn nothing from this/So let's batten down the hatches and get on the piss
If you can't pass the time without bottles of wine/You are in decline and quite far from fine/Before you just pour out the wine on the shelf/Take a look at yourself it's bad for your health
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10. |
Let The Wrong Un In
03:59
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When the madness is over we'll drive the rover to Littleover/We'll almost hug our friends but the music we made and games that we played will also end
When the numbers are lower we'll paint white fences use petrol mowers/We'll feel the bulldog pride then bend to the side open up wide let him Cummings inside
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11. |
Livin' the Dream
02:07
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Fun times and sun shines/Having a scream/Finest of wines/Know what I mean?/Walnut whip nipples/Coffee and cream/Sha la la la/Living the Dream/Eat out to help out/Eat out your wife/Scoo ba dee doo/Time of your life/Toffee banoffee/Tasting alright/Wife a tad coffy/What a delight
Normality is mandated/Move on nowt to see/My son's ventilated/I'm happy and free/Get on the buses/No time to shirk/All get the virus/All back to work
I wouldn't vote Tory/With a gun to my head/They wouldn't care/If we were all dead/We've been abandoned/We're all fucking fucked/Fuck you stupid Tory cunts/Good night and good luck duck.
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12. |
Lament
03:12
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Mallard the Wonderdog UK
Mallard the Wonderdog is a crime-fighting dog.
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