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lyrics

The thing about the lock down Is there's nothing much to do/you'd better get a hobby If you want to see it through/Like every other tosser I've learned how to make a cake/I've learned how to make a loaf/I have taught myself to bake/Since I took to baking I left my face to prove/now it's grown to twice its size my arse stuck in a groove/There's no excuse for my alarming girth around my middle parts/I only got up yesterday
because I had to shart

Got a breezer in the freezer/Got some butter in the fridge/Maybe I could take a sample/just a cheeky little smidge/Take it away/I saw

I'm trying to regain a little self respect/but my t-shirts do not fit me/and my waistbands are all wrecked/I was as shocked as anyone the last time that I checked/my head is slowly being eaten by my massive neck/
You know it's time to fix it when you're too fat for your shoes/but custard creams and biscuits are confirmed cures for the blues/I will eat when I feel sad/then I'll feel sad because I ate/it's the ideal way to make sure you never lose the weight

I've a choice of boutique cheeses if i pleases I can choose/Stilton by the full ton there's no way that you can lose/Take it away/I saw/I've got a pork pie and a rib eye/got some cheese sauce for the steak/some chocolate for emergencies and 47 cakes/Take them away/I saw

If I don't die of Covid I'm going to die of cheese/My blood is blue veined arteries prepared for heart disease/Why have baked potato when you can have dauphinois?/At the rate I'm going I will have to wear a bra

I've got a pasty that will last me whilst the pasta's on the boil/A jar of something nasty floating round in olive oil/ take it away/I saw/Got some corned beef in my toastie/Got some roasties on the heat/Some monster munch for afters and some truffles for a treat/take it away/ I'm an eye sore.

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from Cookery Tips for the Apocalypse, released November 4, 2020

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Mallard the Wonderdog UK

Mallard the Wonderdog is a crime-fighting dog.

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